When I heard your heart beat
For me, when I found out I was pregnant with my 5th baby we only told our closest friends and family. I wanted to wait until I heard the heart beat. With our first 2 babies I shouted from the rooftops early, but as our family grew I just waited longer with each one. Maybe part is because with your first few everyone is so excited with you. With your third, fourth...fifth??! People think maybe you're a little crazy. I shouldn't have even let those thoughts in but it is partly why I kept it in. We were closing the boutique and I just wanted to keep my social media pages focused on that.
I am not sure about you, but with my 3rd, 4th, and 5th I felt like I was tiptoeing carefully in hope for a healthy pregnancy prior to hearing the heartbeat. With each one I felt a little more nervous - how have I been so lucky so far? I get pregnant easily and pregnancy goes so smooth. With our sweet angel baby my OB gave me an HCG test 3 days apart to reassure some stresses I was having after finding out so early. My HCG went from just under 400 to just under 3000 in 3 days while I was right around 4 weeks. I was so reassured because it rose so quickly and strongly.
Then the beautiful day I finally heard your sweet heart beat and saw the little flicker on the screen! There you were, perfect, teeny tiny, but with that precious little heartbeat. I always cry, and feel a weight lift off my shoulders. You are growing! You are strong! There are still risks but after hearing that heartbeat it feels like so much of the risk goes away. I was so happy. I had to take this seflie with the sweet ultrasound picture, so I could send it to my closest friends with the good news of a healthy, growing, strong baby. Our due date was September 15th - making it even more real and helping me fall a little deeper in love.
The planning in my head starts. Envisioning fall with a new baby, sending Anivia to PreK, Ahrielle to 2nd, and Dean to 3rd grade. Wondering what the world and the pandemic will be like then. What will our birth be like? Will I be able to juggle it all? Who will you be? I didn't know but I knew you would feel in seamlessly with our crazy little crew of wilds.
In the days leading up to my 10 week appointment I kept quieting my fears. The chance of miscarrying after 9 weeks is under 2%, it isn't going to happen. Our sweet baby has been growing since that positive test December 31st, it was now past mid February - of course everything is going to be okay. If it grew perfectly to this point what would happen now? I told myself the reason I couldn't find the heartbeat at home was because it was my 5th baby. My uterus must be weird or tipped now. Everything will be okay.
Seeing my lifeless baby on ultrasound will never leave me. That heartbreak has brought so much perspective to just how precious life is. I am ever more thankful for little moments - even the selfie here. The happiness in my eyes. The girl filled with relief who didn't see the freight train heading straight for her, just a few weeks away. That picture is so precious to me now. It reminds me of hope, life, and the memory of me loving my growing baby.
If you have miscarried and never talked with anyone about it - you can talk to me. Message me on social media or email sunshinesoullife@gmail.com. I am not a doctor, therapist, or anything extra, but I can grieve with you and remember your baby and pregnancy with you. You deserve peace within your grief.
I am not sure about you, but with my 3rd, 4th, and 5th I felt like I was tiptoeing carefully in hope for a healthy pregnancy prior to hearing the heartbeat. With each one I felt a little more nervous - how have I been so lucky so far? I get pregnant easily and pregnancy goes so smooth. With our sweet angel baby my OB gave me an HCG test 3 days apart to reassure some stresses I was having after finding out so early. My HCG went from just under 400 to just under 3000 in 3 days while I was right around 4 weeks. I was so reassured because it rose so quickly and strongly.
Then the beautiful day I finally heard your sweet heart beat and saw the little flicker on the screen! There you were, perfect, teeny tiny, but with that precious little heartbeat. I always cry, and feel a weight lift off my shoulders. You are growing! You are strong! There are still risks but after hearing that heartbeat it feels like so much of the risk goes away. I was so happy. I had to take this seflie with the sweet ultrasound picture, so I could send it to my closest friends with the good news of a healthy, growing, strong baby. Our due date was September 15th - making it even more real and helping me fall a little deeper in love.
The planning in my head starts. Envisioning fall with a new baby, sending Anivia to PreK, Ahrielle to 2nd, and Dean to 3rd grade. Wondering what the world and the pandemic will be like then. What will our birth be like? Will I be able to juggle it all? Who will you be? I didn't know but I knew you would feel in seamlessly with our crazy little crew of wilds.
In the days leading up to my 10 week appointment I kept quieting my fears. The chance of miscarrying after 9 weeks is under 2%, it isn't going to happen. Our sweet baby has been growing since that positive test December 31st, it was now past mid February - of course everything is going to be okay. If it grew perfectly to this point what would happen now? I told myself the reason I couldn't find the heartbeat at home was because it was my 5th baby. My uterus must be weird or tipped now. Everything will be okay.
Seeing my lifeless baby on ultrasound will never leave me. That heartbreak has brought so much perspective to just how precious life is. I am ever more thankful for little moments - even the selfie here. The happiness in my eyes. The girl filled with relief who didn't see the freight train heading straight for her, just a few weeks away. That picture is so precious to me now. It reminds me of hope, life, and the memory of me loving my growing baby.
If you have miscarried and never talked with anyone about it - you can talk to me. Message me on social media or email sunshinesoullife@gmail.com. I am not a doctor, therapist, or anything extra, but I can grieve with you and remember your baby and pregnancy with you. You deserve peace within your grief.
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