It's been one month. 

Today, one month later the pregnancy test is still faintly positive. Part of me is comforted by the line because it makes me feel like it's not as final that you're gone, even though I know you were gone the first day I miscarried. The reminders have been so hard. Crossing out my 11th, 12th, and 13th week I had written on the calendar. My phone alarm/schedule reminding me about my translucency ultrasound just days after I miscarried. I swear I had cancelled it but there is was reminding me in the worst way. I always loved that ultrasound - its when you see the little babe moving, kicking, and so active. I was so close to getting to see you grow. Instead in my mind I have the image of you in my palm, tiny fingers and hands formed, details I never imagined, with no life. Its all the pregnancy apps and the week by week emails I had to unsubscribe from. Its feeling cramping for a period coming and wondering what it will do to me mentally to go through something so similar to losing you. Its working out and strengthening my core so I feel strong, instead of watching a tiny bump grow. 

I remember walking through Target feeling cramps and wondering if I was going to get a period soon. The thought just broke my heart, the physical reminder. Tears streamed down my cheeks and into my mask. Then I thought - any moment you are walking by someone, anywhere, they could be going through things you never imagined. That alone should remind us to always be kind, and give others grace. You never know the weight they are carrying. 

Losing you changed me in ways I never thought. I want to be a stronger person because of you, even though I thought I always was. I want to live a life full of love and surrounded by love. I no longer want to pour into people who drain me. Your precious life made me realize how truly precious my life is too. I miss what could have been, who you would have been. I am thankful and heartbroken with every breath. I am heartbroken missing you, but thankful with trust for God's plan. Without my faith, the friends who have lifted me up and loved on my family, and my hilarious, precious babies I don't know how I could stand. Send some extra love to a friend you know who has miscarried - the love is so healing.